Ok let me preface by saying, nothing you are about to read was brought on by dog on cat or cat on dog hate crimes LOL. Nor was it speciesism by either the cat or dog. The doggo King Charlie, has ignored the monster that has invaded his space in what I feel is one of the best examples of patience I’ve ever seen by anyone. As for the Cat, hereafter known as Asshole, after an intiail sniffing and light tapping of a sleeping Charlie, he has ignored the doggo. So I’m glad we have that out of the way.
I will inform you that as of this time, the Asshole is now enjoying a life at a new home with three other monsters of his species. What led up to this though?
Day One – The Arrival:
The Asshole arrived at my home around 10 am on the 26th. I had worked out, was freshly showered and feeling good about welcoming him into my home. His prior mom dropped him off, and he tried to distract me with furry cuteness.
Purring around, wanting to sit on my lap, be petted, even rubbing his head on my face and leaning it a little for me to give him cute kisses on top of it. All traits I know now, are NOT actually traits to show how much they love and trust you, but to distract you and confuse your brain into overlooking what jerks they really are.
Hour three: My condo would make an obsessive compulsive germophobe orgasm just by walking into it. It’s CLEAN. In fact, I posted a week or so ago just how happy I was to get to spend three full days doing nothing but cleaning and how much it satisfied me. To that end, it also has a minimalist appearance. My kitchen counters have NOTHING on them. Everything is stored in the cupboards waiting to be used except my coffee maker. It looks like a staged for showing kitchen. I cannot stand anything on the counters. Well the Asshole apparently felt since there was so much room he should be able to explore them with his dirty toxoplasmosis infested feet stomping all over them.
I know what you’re going to say, as I’ve talked about it in the past, UGH your dog sleeps in your bed at night with his germ covered body. Why does this bother you. Well my dog, because he swims virtually every day in a pool or the sea has a bath every evening when I take my final shower for the day so he has time to dry before going to bed. He is cleaner than most people I know. LOL So put that argument to rest.
But, the bed is one thing, I shower after I get up and work out and I change my bedding daily. Yes, Daily. It ‘s part of that obsessive thing I have going on. LOL
What he does NOT do is stomp all over the places I make food.
Whereas the Asshole, was pacing back and forth all over them.
I am not a violent person and I would never hurt an animal. I’m vegan for goodness sake. LOL
BUT… I WOULD squirt the fuck out of him with a water bottle. Which I did, causing him to violently react and run off. Obviously planning his next evil action.
Hour eight: He lurked, and tried to make up to me a few times. I was onto him though. I reciprocated, but I was wary of what he had planned next.
I was making dinner, setting things on the table, going back and forth. I don’t eat in my living room or at a counter. My friends think I’m weird because I actually sit at my dining table and eat like my parents taught me. “How do you watch tv?” They ask when I tell them this. Jokes on them, I do not own a single tv in my home. That creates another uproar and story I will relate later, let’s just say, laptop, phones, tablets, who needs tv’s? Especially with adapters you can even watch vhs on a laptop now.
Anyway, I place my plate and go back to get a couple side plates and my drink. I’m sure you know what’s coming. I turn around and the Asshole is ON MY FUCKING TABLE SNIFFING AT MY FOOD.
No. Hell no. No fucking way.
Once again the squirt bottle makes an appearance. Once again he runs off. I can tell by the look on his face that this war has only started. I clean up, and make sure there are no cat germs anywhere and have dinner.
Go in and take my shower for the night, and come out.
I will say, I have now encountered something that I have never encountered in my life. The urge to possibly, just the slightest, to punish an animal.
He is sitting in my dining room in the corner watching me. Without breaking his eye contact he lifts his tail and starts to spray.
What the ever fucking fuck. I thought neutered cats did not spray.
Obviously, this was a revenge pee. Again the squirt bottle came out, along with many many cleaning supplies.
I went to bed fearing for my life.
Day Two:
I got up on the 27th and checked the condo very carefully to make sure he had not set any more surprises up for me. My app showed he had used the litter box during the night. So apparently peeing on my walls was a just for my viewing pleasure thing.
Ok, so it’s a new day. Slate clean. We’ve got this right Asshole?
Nope.
Did my workout, came back up from the gym after the last part of it, showered, came out to make my coffee and relax.
I don’t see the Asshole anywhere so things are looking up. I have 2 balconies. One on my master bedroom, and another that wraps around the corner from my den, all the way around to the living room creating a nice large outdoor space. On this space I have a year round herb garden.
Well the Asshole comes walking out of my den leaving little dirty footprints. Ok I can deal with that. I have no carpets in my condo, it’s all wood floors, they are easy to clean. What the heck was he doing though that caused his feet to get dirty.
Wandering in, I just followed the foot prints back. Out on the deck my lemongrass planter is a total mess. It had been destroyed. Dug up, grass chewed on, and a special cat present in the dirt.
Deep breaths Kayla, I told myself. I looked into this. I knew cat’s liked lemongrass, but did I think he would go out and eat and destroy it in one sitting…. No.
I took the time to cool off and clean it up. I should NOT have. I should have went and gotten him and cleaned off his feet and squirted him while showing him what he did was wrong.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
I go back into the living room. Now, I have a Louis XlV style chaise lounge from the 20’s my sister got me as a present to read on. It had been refurbished and is one of my prize possessions. The Asshole is sitting on it, cleaning his paws but not before getting dirty paw prints all over it.
Well you can’t squirt him on the lounge, so scruff of neck it is, squirt, and release. Not before suffering a number of claw attacks.
Time to clean the lounge chair.
Before you say it, no he was NOT doing this because he could sense my love of cleaning. So he was helping me fulfill that satisfaction by dirtying up things. No, he was just being his normal cat asshole self.
I didn’t see him much more all day long. He stayed hidden. I only saw him when I went looking to make sure he wasn’t Assholing somewhere else.
Made dinner, no Asshole. Things are looking up. I don’t mind sharing a home with him if he stays out of trouble even if we never interact. I opened my home to him I was sure things would work out eventually. I mean, we have to come to an agreement about behavior at some point right?
Oh Kayla… how naïve you are.
Took my shower, went to bed. Things were good.
Day Three:
I got up this morning, went and worked out. Came back and showered. I looked around the whole time and everything looked in place.
Ok the Asshole was behaving himself.
No.
No.
No.
I go in to make my coffee this morning and he’s sitting on the table again. Dammit! I walk over with the squirt gun, and he, almost as if he’s smirking, casually gets off the table. A slow, fuck you walk to the edge and jumps down. Looks at me, then walks out of the area. All while I’m still heading for him with the squirt bottle. He is no longer afraid of it.
I go back to check the table and clean it off. Around the bottom of the vase in the center and all over the vase he has pee’d.
Vase into the kitchen, table cloth into the wash. Cleaning products and oil to the table. Who knows how long it has been there. Was it going to ruin or stain the wood? It does not appear to have done so.
I’m shaking at this point I’m so angry.
So I call my sister, who after catching her breath after listening to all of this, says she will take him to join her three other Assholes she and her husband live with. Telling me, she kind of expected this outcome when we talked about it at Christmas. She told me then, my lifestyle and home are NOT cat environments. I didn’t even ask her to pay me back for all the crap I bought him. Nope. Lesson learned. It was all hers.
She came over about 10:30 and took him. He just stared at me the whole time. OF course purring and kissing up to her. She thinks he’s so beautiful and such a lover she can’t imagine him doing everything I said he did.
OF course she can’t, she has fallen for the Assholes deception. Whatever happens she deserves. I think I can still hear her laughing at me from over fifteen miles away.
Well that’s fine. Good riddance to him.
Like I said.
Cats are Assholes.
